Living with a False Identity
Many people today live believing lies about who they are. Growing up, we interact with parents, relatives, teachers, and other children, many of whom have common or more serious traumatic experiences in their lives. These experiences cause people to believe lies about themselves, and these lies can negatively affect how they interact with others.
Roughly two-thirds of children experience common, stressful events before age 18, according to Northwestern University – Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences. Common “normal” trauma issues encountered growing up include parental divorce ● emotional neglect or abuse ● physical neglect or abuse ● household dysfunction ● bullying ● loss of a loved one, among others.
The problem? Trauma during childhood, “normal” or more significant trauma, can hinder brain development and lead to emotional dysregulation, trust issues, and difficulties with relationships in adulthood. And worse, trauma is linked to chronic health problems in adulthood.
Trauma reshapes internal narratives—often outside of conscious awareness. These “lies” aren’t random; they’re adaptive conclusions the brain forms to maintain safety, predictability, or belonging in environments that felt unsafe or unstable. Over time, they solidify into false identity-level beliefs.
Some of the most common identity distortions that emerge from trauma include:
- “I’m not good enough”, likely the result of chronic criticism, neglect or conditional approval.
- “I’m not lovable”, often caused by emotional abandonment, inconsistent caregiving, or rejection.
- “My needs don’t matter”, commonly a function of emotional neglect or environments where only others’ needs were prioritized.
- “I must be in control to be okay”, most likely caused by chaos or unpredictability in formative years.
These beliefs are not simply “false thoughts”—they are encoded survival strategies. At one point, each belief increased the likelihood of emotional or physical safety. That’s why they persist so stubbornly: they were useful.
Overcoming false identities later in life is not just intellectual (that’s not true”), but experiential: a gradual updating of the nervous system with new evidence that contradicts those earlier conclusions.
Can the effects of trauma be alleviated? According to the Minnesota Department of Health, supportive relationships with caring adults help children build resilience and mitigate the long-term effects of trauma.
Finding Your True Identity
Our mentoring program provides the supportive relationships that help youth and young adults overcome the long-term effects of trauma.
We begin the program with guidance on emotional intelligence (EI) that shapes attitudes and behaviors, enabling the emotional regulation that allows a person to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. The basic components of EI include self-awareness, self-control, empathy, motivation, and the ability to form and maintain relationships.
Self-awareness, being cognizant of one’s strengths, weaknesses, emotions and behavior, is the starting point of the EI discussion. And we kick this off with an explanation of a person’s temperament.
We were each created with a unique temperament – the inborn part of a person that determines how he or she reacts to people, places, and things. Temperament pinpoints our perception of ourselves and the people who love us, and it is the determining factor in how well we handle the stresses and pressures of life.
We were designed before we were born; created exactly as intended, including both our strengths and weaknesses. And we have a responsibility to live up to our potential, correcting the correctable defects.
We then provide each participant with their unique Temperament Profile and discuss general temperament tendencies as they follow along with their personal profile.
Our self-worth gets a significant boost from understanding our unique self, how we were designed, which is the foundation for living a happier, more fulfilled life, and following the path to our destiny.
However, we need fuel to power us down that path and that fuel is a set of values-driven leadership principles that forge unbreakable moral character and leadership skills.
Each week in a small, round-table group, participants read and discuss one of the principles. Then for the next week, participants try applying the principle in their daily activities at home, at work or at play. And in the next class, we discuss the successes or difficulties participants encountered during the principle activation.
Most problems in our lives are the result of some attitude or behavior; they don’t just happen. Therefore, to overcome these problems, we must replace old attitudes and behaviors with new ones.
The study and application of these principles provide the blueprints for helping participants understand the effects of their current attitudes and behaviors on themselves and on others. Further, it helps them adopt new attitudes and behaviors and develop a character reflecting the moral excellence and ethical standards that guide our proper conduct and right living in society.
Timeless values like responsibility, motives, gratitude, forgiveness, humility, and empathy help these young people see that positive changes in their attitudes and behaviors elevate self-esteem, strengthen leadership skills, and produce more of life’s successes.